Everything I need to know I DID NOT learn in Kindergarten

Dear Mr. Fulghum,
I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten. I know you think I did, but its not true. Your cute story/poem makes a great wall decoration via poster in most elementary schools, but in the hard-knock life of the real world, in which I have barely wafted the smell of, your words aren't much help.

1. Share Everything: Really? everything? Here's what I didn't learn: I didn't learn how to share my feelings without morphing into an emotional, weepy girl that nobody likes, including myself.

2. Play Fair: Not everyone got this lesson in kindergarten Mr. Fulghum. In fact, the older I get, the more I think this lesson was skipped over. I love fairness. I want everyone to play fair in life, but it just ain't so.

3. Don't hit people: There's at least one person that can confirm that I didn't learn this lesson. I call them love taps, others call them punches. No matter what you call them I still hit.

4. Put things back where you found them: After leaving Target today, I pushed my half-full basket towards my car. Only to find that someone had left their shopping basket from the next store over directly behind my car. I, being the good Samaritan that I think I am, but really not, pushed not only my basket back, but the home depot basket that was 2 aisles away from its home back; all the time hoping someone would notice what a good deed I did. Did anyone? probably not. Does it matter: Surely not.

5. Clean up your own mess: where do emotional messes fit into this sage advice?

6. Don't take things that aren't yours: Well, I have nothing. It's all God's. And yet I still try to take it, keep it firmly in my grasp, where I ignorantly think its safer there. Another lesson, unlearn-ed.

7. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody: Good thinking Mr. Fulghum, but sorry doesn't put triscuits in my stomach!!

8. Wash your hands before you eat: Really, a few germs aren't going to kill you.

9. Flush: Am I the only one who would like a little elaboration? Maybe some parameters? If I flush my relationships down the drain by being an emotional girl, does that make it okay? I think not.

10. Warm cookies and milk are good for you: I would love for this one to be true, but if it was, then there wouldn't be such a thing as Weight Watchers.

11. Live a Balanced Life: Hallalujeh, couldn't agree more! Now, how exactly does one do that? Hmmm?

12. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some: Another great idea...where exactly does the time come from to paint and sing and dance and play when you work a 50 hour work week like myself, or a 120 hour work week like some others I know?

13. Take a nap every afternoon: Tried that. Boss didn't like it. Said it didn't coincide with the productivity standards.

My point is, well, I'm not sure if I really have a point. There's a whole heck of a lot I don't know: about life, relationships, leaky faucets, my career, why the sky is blue, etc... and it can be really frustrating.

I've hurt some people because of my ignorance, my lack-of-knowing, lack of experience, that I didn't learn in kindergarten. And for that, I'm sorry. All I remember in kindergarten is getting in trouble for falling asleep one day. I think that says it all.