Desires

I just attempted to regurgitate the sermon from church today. I can't type on the computer what God spoke to me in my heart. In reflection, here is a prayer from "The Valley of Vision: a Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions" that gets close to what I learned.

O Thou that hearest prayer,
Teach me to pray.
I confess that in religious exercises, the language of my lips and the feelings of my heart have not always agreed,
that I have frequently taken carelessly upon my tongue a name never pronounced above without reverence and humility,
that I have often desired things which would have injured me,
that I have depreciated some of my chief mercies,
that I have erred both on the side of my hopes and also on my fears,
that I am unfit to choose for myself,
for it is not in me to direct my steps.
Let thy Spirit help my infirmities, for I know not what to pray for as I ought.
Let him produce in me wise desires by which I may ask right things, then I shall know thou hearest me.
May I never be importunate for temporal blessings, but always refer them to thy fatherly goodness, for thou knowest what I need before I ask;
May I never think I prosper unless my soul prospers, or that I am rich unless rich toward thee, or that I am wise unless wise unto salvation.
May I seek first thy kingdom and its rightousness.
May I value things in relation to eternity.
May my spiritual welfare be my chief solicitude.
May I be poor, afflicted, despised, and have thy blessing, rather than be successful in enterprise, or have more than my heart can wish, or be admired by my fellow-men, if thereby these things make me forget thee.
May I regard the world as dreams, lies, vanities, vexation of spirit, and desire to depart from it.
And may I seek my happiness in thy favor, image, presence, service.

Waiting...and Waiting...Waiting

"My soul [waiteth] for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: [I say, more than] they that watch for the morning." Psalm 130:6

I'm learning a lot about waiting and patience right now. When I take the time to reflect on my own attitude and behavior, I realize that there's not much difference between me and my five-year-old niece.

There's several things I'm waiting for right now. Mainly earthly desires.

I'm waiting for a certain guy to call. hoping he will. wondering if he's already forgotten what my face looks like (I'm remembering his great smile). Wondering if he's replaying all our conversations, as short as they were, in his head as I am.

I'm waiting for Spring. It's March 25 and the high today didn't get above 38. I'm still needing to wear a fleece jacket and gloves to/from work. I looked at the 10-day forecast and there's no suggestion that this cold weather will let up anytime soon. Today I let myself daydream for a split second in the middle of an evaluation about it being warm and summery outside and I got to wear shorts and flip-flops all the time.

Here's the thing: I never would be so passionately and excitedly waiting for these things if I hadn't gone through a little "suffering" before-hand. (I put suffering in quotes, because it's not really suffering; nothing compared to the suffering Jesus went through) If I didn't have a 26-year history of single-ness, If the past 3 1/2 months weren't so bitterly cold and dreary, then I would have no true appreciation of the warm weather, the ability to wear flip-flops, the late-night phone conversations and time to spend with someone you can't imagine being apart from for more than a minute.

Even more though, I have hope in Jesus Christ. As I wait for the spring and love, they remind me of waiting for Christ to return in glory and bring a new heaven and a new earth. In reality, the spring will turn to summer, and summer will eventually lead back to a cold winter; the man I can't wait to talk to, may not call, he may never have a second-thought about me after I walked out of his door, BUT Christ WILL return. He will reign in glory and Make ALL THINGS NEW! I may be disappointed by earthly desires, but Jesus Christ will never disappoint.

And, when I remember God's promises, I have hope and am refreshed. So, even if I continue to live in a replay of "Groundhog Day" and even if I am single for the rest of my life, I can still hope. I will still rejoice in the Lord's Promises.

"And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful" Revelations 21:5

Change for the Better or Worse?

I have found err... scratch that. I didn't have anything to do with it. God led me to this awesome church in Boston. Not the one I originally thought I would attend. I thought I'd go to Park Street Church. Beautiful, Historic Church in downtown Boston with sound theology, but after going a couple of times and attending their college group where no one talked to me and I felt really awkward, I decided it wasn't the place for me. Long story even longer, I go to a church called City Life. We meet on the 6th floor of the Radisson Hotel in downtown Boston. The worship music is really good, the teaching is straight from the Bible and right now we are going through James.

Last Sunday was especially good. We were in the 2nd chapter of James 6-17. The part that really stood out to me was verse 15, 16 "If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed, and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?" (KJV) So, Dr. Um (our preacher) pointed out that when it comes to our needs we are very practical about them. I need milk, what do I do? I go to the store and buy milk. I need a new winter jacket to keep me warm in the artic-esque temperatures of Boston, what do I do? I buy a new jacket. And yet with others' needs, we are very spiritual about them. If someone says to you: I need a new jacket, but can't afford it; what do we do? We say "I'll be praying about that for you" or "I'll be praying that God will fill that need in your life" Instead, Dr. Um suggests, we should be very spiritual about our own needs and very practical about others' needs. Let God move through you to fill others' needs.

Every day in Boston I am confronted with people begging for change. They are everywhere. The first three weeks I was here I felt really bad about not giving them anything, but I'm a little ashamed to admit, my attitude has changed dramatically over the last month. All they do is sit there all day long, not moving, just asking for money. I passed a man today who said "How about just a little change folks, something small, like a ten or twenty?" My response: A TEN OR TWENTY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? well, that's what I said in my head at least. And then the other night I saw a man who was TOTALLY wasted, slurring all his words, barely walking, who was asking for money. So he can get more alcohol?!?
I know I sound really cold and heartless, but I worked really hard to get where I'm at and I work really hard for my salary. Long hours, rewarding, but long. And I do a lot more than sit on my rear and ask for change.

So then I think about how I got where I am: I was born into a moderate income family, who definitely had some poor moments, but my parents paid for my undergraduate education, and I used loans to pay for graduate school. God has given me everything I have and every opportunity, and to the best of my ability I've taken advantage of those opportunities and not let them pass me by. These people may have had parents who could not afford to put them through school, or opportunities to advance in life. So, since I was born into a "better" life situation, does that mean I should pay them to sit there doing nothing?

I don't know what the answer is. I know if God leads me to a situation where a member of the body needs help and God has given me the means to help them, I will. I'm just not sure I'm ready to start handing my change out.

God is good

A-mazing. God is Amazing. One week after I lost my cell phone and three hours after I ordered my new phone, at the Holy Spirit's prodding, I call the J.Crew store for the third time. They had my phone!!!! I called them the day I lost my phone, the day after I lost my phone AND I left them my name and home phone, just in case they found it. I never got a call, I thought all hope was lost. Fortunately the Creator and Sustainer of my hope kept it alive.

In other news, I made it through a week of work. I've now realized there are some skills I'm lacking that would make my job infinitely easier. I need to be able to speak: Russian, French, Spanish, and whatever Indian dialect my last evaluation spoke. It's pretty frustrating. We are given one hour to get a history from a patient, perform a physical exam, and give them some sort of appropriate intervention. In a patient who speaks perfect English and doesn't ask too many questions, 60 minutes is the perfect amount of time. Unfortunately, only about half of my new patients speak English. Seriously folks, if you have a difficult time understanding conversational English, you should not tell the secretary who schedules the interpreters that you don't freakin' need one!!! Sorry, maybe I'm being a bit extreme. The thing is, when this happens it makes me want to pull my hair out!

Riding on the train is always a fun experience. Recently it's been especially interesting. On Friday nights the trains suddenly transform into a party bus for all those under the age of 32. Last night riding home the train was packed with people all ready to get smashed and do a lot of things they'd regret later...er, i mean, have fun! Anyways, there was one guy who was standing against the doors with a look of angst on his face that only love gone wrong could cause. My suspicions of his current emotional state was confirmed when he started singing very loudly "And she willlllllll be looo-vvedd, and she will be lovved" I really thought Simon Cowell was about to come out of the throng of people to tell this guy he sucks. Unfortunately, we all soon realized this guy was serious. Needless to say I was so glad to see my stop.

Okay, gotta go get my hair cut, for what I'm hoping will be a good price. And not a bad cut.

"I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love: and I was to them as they that take off the yoke on their jaws, and I laid meat unto them" Hosea 11:4

A Fight for Freedom

The other day on Oprah there was a segment on this high school where 100 or so junior and seniors got together in small groups of 5 or 6 and they sat in a circle and all said this phrase, "if you really knew me you would know that __________" and then they were supposed to fill in the blank. Most kids started it with superficial truths, then it went deeper. They started sharing vulnerable information about themselves. Some kids had parents who were sick and they were the sole caretaker. Other kids felt ostracized for different reasons. At the end of the day, the kids learned they weren't alone in their struggles. They didn't feel ostracized any more because they had people standing next to them, saying, I love you for who you are and I'll support you. Remember in Bridget Jones' Diary when Mr. Darcy told her, "I like you, just the way you are." That's all we want to hear. We just don't hear it enough.

As adults, as humans, as Christians, I wish we all would fill in the blank for each other. I wish we would stop pretending to be something that we feel we should be. That "perfect" person. Of course it's impossible to be that person, you and I both know it, and yet we still pretend. We put a smile on our face and say "yeah, everything's great, Life is great, God is just blessing me everyday." I believe God does bless us everyday, but it's not always visible, and life isn't always great.
What would you fill in the blank with? What would you tell me about yourself that isn't apparent on the outside?

Risking ostracism, if you really knew me, you would know that I struggle with anxiety. A lot. As in, years of feeling anxious, having anxiety attacks. Waking up thinking "this is the day I will experience freedom, yesterday was my last day of anxiety. There will be no more." And going about my day and not experiencing that freedom. God promises freedom. He gives it, I know. Why can't I hold on to it? I continually reach for it and continually miss the mark.

What's the purpose of this fight? How does me being anxious every day glorify God? Until I finally experience that freedom, permenantly, I will continue to tell myself that God will use this for His glory, I just can't see it.

If you've ever experienced anxiety, you know the feelings. The feelings of helplessness, frustration, wanting to live life to the fullest and not. Knowing there's more to life and not knowing how to obtain it. As a child of God, I know in my heart that He purposed my life for more than the box I have put myself in, but convincing your head of that is a lot harder.

Why this temporary shift in usual funny, light-hearted posts? Because I'm tired of pretending of being someone I'm not. I'm tired of struggling alone. Because I needed to vent. I'm not perfect, I'm not without frustrations, struggles. Satan lies to us and tells us that we are alone in our battles, that we are the only person who has ever dealt with this and that makes us weak. It turns out that in fact, I am not weak and that I am definitely not the first, nor the last to fight this.

I am hopeful as I look forward to the day when I shall write of my freedom. I will tell the epic (well, epic to me) tale of a damsel in distress, captive for years, who is finally freed. Freed by a Royal Husband who delights in my beauty (Psalm 45) and loves me just as I am, for He is the one who made me and in whom I find myself perfect and complete. I believe that freedom is obtainable and that it will come while I'm here on earth.

I just hope it's sooner, rather than later.