Did I miss it? Was it there all the time and my eyes were blinded to it? I thought I was obvious. Sending a card, a package to show my love. A late-night e-mail "thinking of you". Listening to your thoughts, opinions, lessons you were sharing, all ways I was showing love. I waited to see it in return. Holding my hand, a quick squeeze for no reason, some evidence to show me that you wanted me. I announced it to the world and I hoped you would do the same.
In voicing my desires it seems I have cut, wounded, in a way I prayed I would never do. They say ignorance is bliss, but I disagree. I don't want to be ignorant to your vulnerability.
I was looking to be romanced. Aren't we all? Only we look to humans, sinners such as myself to do the romancing. Instead of letting God do it.
God, the ultimate Romancer, Pursuer, wrote it out for us: "I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them ... Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her ... 'In that day' declares the Lord, 'you will call me "my husband"; you will no longer call me "my master". Hosea 2: 6-7, 14, 16
I don't know if I was wrong or right, or somewhere in between. Rightness doesn't justify pain though. A few months back I quoted this verse as salve to heal the loneliness I was feeling of not having anyone to share my life with. Ironically, I'm meditating on it now, to heal the loneliness and pain of love lost:
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:5,6
2 comments:
I will never apologize that Christ is our one and only need.
I never asked for anything just that we all did God's will in our lives.
I guess flying thousands of miles, going days without sleep, and trusting you with an already fragile heart was not enough?
I hope you find what God has put in your heart but you loved me with the hope I would become
who you wanted me to be. I loved you with the hope that I could help you reach everything God wanted for you.
I would argue that you never loved me but you loved the thought or desire of the person you continue to search for.
You are a great girl and I hope you find him!
God Bless and All my love and prayers
I'm a lurking fan of both anytime,anywhere AND emergencyvet87 and I am reading about PAIN, HURT, and a real need for HEALING for both parties. And I'm hurting, as any parent would or should,for both of these young people (yes 34 is still young!!). I would implore all of you lurking readers of these two to pray earnestly for their hurt hearts from the depths of all of our own hearts. When hurt is not healed it can so easily become bitter. And one of these hearts experienced pain and repeated pain far too long. I love them both as my own children. Please Lord, hear our prayers for each of them!
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