A Fight for Freedom

The other day on Oprah there was a segment on this high school where 100 or so junior and seniors got together in small groups of 5 or 6 and they sat in a circle and all said this phrase, "if you really knew me you would know that __________" and then they were supposed to fill in the blank. Most kids started it with superficial truths, then it went deeper. They started sharing vulnerable information about themselves. Some kids had parents who were sick and they were the sole caretaker. Other kids felt ostracized for different reasons. At the end of the day, the kids learned they weren't alone in their struggles. They didn't feel ostracized any more because they had people standing next to them, saying, I love you for who you are and I'll support you. Remember in Bridget Jones' Diary when Mr. Darcy told her, "I like you, just the way you are." That's all we want to hear. We just don't hear it enough.

As adults, as humans, as Christians, I wish we all would fill in the blank for each other. I wish we would stop pretending to be something that we feel we should be. That "perfect" person. Of course it's impossible to be that person, you and I both know it, and yet we still pretend. We put a smile on our face and say "yeah, everything's great, Life is great, God is just blessing me everyday." I believe God does bless us everyday, but it's not always visible, and life isn't always great.
What would you fill in the blank with? What would you tell me about yourself that isn't apparent on the outside?

Risking ostracism, if you really knew me, you would know that I struggle with anxiety. A lot. As in, years of feeling anxious, having anxiety attacks. Waking up thinking "this is the day I will experience freedom, yesterday was my last day of anxiety. There will be no more." And going about my day and not experiencing that freedom. God promises freedom. He gives it, I know. Why can't I hold on to it? I continually reach for it and continually miss the mark.

What's the purpose of this fight? How does me being anxious every day glorify God? Until I finally experience that freedom, permenantly, I will continue to tell myself that God will use this for His glory, I just can't see it.

If you've ever experienced anxiety, you know the feelings. The feelings of helplessness, frustration, wanting to live life to the fullest and not. Knowing there's more to life and not knowing how to obtain it. As a child of God, I know in my heart that He purposed my life for more than the box I have put myself in, but convincing your head of that is a lot harder.

Why this temporary shift in usual funny, light-hearted posts? Because I'm tired of pretending of being someone I'm not. I'm tired of struggling alone. Because I needed to vent. I'm not perfect, I'm not without frustrations, struggles. Satan lies to us and tells us that we are alone in our battles, that we are the only person who has ever dealt with this and that makes us weak. It turns out that in fact, I am not weak and that I am definitely not the first, nor the last to fight this.

I am hopeful as I look forward to the day when I shall write of my freedom. I will tell the epic (well, epic to me) tale of a damsel in distress, captive for years, who is finally freed. Freed by a Royal Husband who delights in my beauty (Psalm 45) and loves me just as I am, for He is the one who made me and in whom I find myself perfect and complete. I believe that freedom is obtainable and that it will come while I'm here on earth.

I just hope it's sooner, rather than later.